Bad Math ➗

Last night I went to bed feeling like I had a pretty good day. I took the kids on a walk and got my exercise in. I packed for our upcoming trip this weekend. I cleaned the floors. I had a much needed coffee date with a friend while my MIL watched the babies. In the afternoon the kids napped and I picked up the house and got dinner ready. Once they were asleep for the night, Jeffrey and I worked on branding for a business idea we've been dreaming up.

It was a good day. Or I think I was actually equating good with productive. Checking things off my to do list. Busy. That’s when I caught myself. This cycle I get on without even knowing, where I judge my days by what I felt like I accomplished. This system works on a good day, but what about those days that I don't get anything done? Which let's be honest, that's mostly my reality. The days where I didn't make plans so we never leave the house, the kids don't nap, I feel too tired from being up the night before to do anything around the house, which makes me feel guilty and lazy. What about those days where I go to sleep and I can't think of one productive thing I accomplished in the last 24 hours?

It's bad math and it's a crippling mindset. Productivity is a horrible metric for my days with little ones. As a parent, we need a new grading scale. One that's based on how many times I looked into my kids’ eyes when they were talking to me. How many times I sang to them or laughed with them. How many books we read together on the floor. How many bellies were filled, heads were kissed, bottoms were wiped, hands held, and tears comforted. It should be based on how many times I stopped to pray for strength to get through the day, or wisdom on how to handle a tantrum.

Because you know what, these are the things that already fill my days up. Yet I'm always fighting to add more, do more, be more--than just a mom…because that somehow isn't enough by itself?

Today my morning started off with soft cries from the other room at 6:15am. I'm reminded that my job and my joy right now is to be with these babies each day. To provide them with physical touch so they know they’re loved. To watch and be amazed when they do something for the first time. To provide a safe space for them to grow. To set the tone for a home that is full of love + joy. One that is life-giving.

I need to end the cycle of busy = important. It's just not true. I am not the sum of what I can accomplish in one day.  The work I'm doing in the trenches with little ones is important. Each kiss and touch and interaction is valuable. It’s shaping their little world. So today, if I do nothing but play with Elle’s baking set and nurse Jude until he falls asleep and read Llama Llama Red Pajama for the hundredth time this week—that is enough. I am enough.