Selah's Birth Story

My Sweet Selah.

I wanted you so badly. For months I felt ready, but waited patiently for your dad to get there. It was on a Wednesday in November when we found out we were pregnant with you. The “big three”. We laughed and marveled and talked about how much was going to change yet again, in nine months. You were starting your little life, right there in my body and I was already in love with you.

Your pregnancy was harder on me than the others. The morning sickness and fatigue seemed worse this time around, especially while I tried to keep up with two toddlers. But I think it was the fear of postpartum that hung over me the heaviest. I had just come up for air after Jude. Just started to feel like I had capacity to invest in my health and friendships and marriage. I spent a lot of your pregnancy praying that God would help me transition once you were born, that he would keep the darkness away. I knew this time around what could happen, and tried to prepare the best I could to handle postpartum.

Since we wanted to wait to find out who you were until birth, this gave us loads of time to dream and speculate and hedge bets on you. From the very beginning I thought you were a boy. Mostly because of the morning sickness, which reminded me of Jude’s pregnancy. While we picked out both girl and boy names, I was so sure we would be using the boy one. My intuition has always been off in this area!

They told us at the beginning of our last trimester that you were a tiny baby. They wanted to monitor you for the last three months of the pregnancy to make sure you were growing. This meant weekly appointments where I’d lay on a bed strapped to monitors, in a room full of other mamas with growing bellies and anxious hearts. I don’t know why, but I just had a gut feeling that you were exactly the size you were supposed to be, and maybe the doctors were just off. After eight weeks of appointments, we made it to the 36-week mark and then scheduled your induction.

July 6th at 2pm.

It’s so strange to be given a date and a time when you’ll meet your baby. We spent that last week preparing for you. Washing tiny clothes, redecorating the nursery last minute (thank you Jeffrey), and celebrating the Fourth of July with watermelon and fireworks. I was so excited to meet you, but felt a little anxious for labor again.

I knew this would be a different labor than the previous two. Being induced meant pitocin, and the OB warned us that since my body wouldn’t be ready for labor, it could take up to 24 hours for the pitocin to fully kick in and get me in active labor. This made me nervous. I spent the week praying about options, talking with some other mamas, and listening to podcasts on different birth options. In the end I decided we would get an epidural early on with you, and experience labor in a new way. Once we made that decision I felt calm and ready. The only thing left to do was pack our bags and wait until Friday.

The night before we made Shauna Niequist’s spicy peanut noodle dish, a pre-labor tradition. We put the kids down for bed, and played a game of Settlers of Catan. It all felt so nostalgic the third time around. I slept well, and woke up early the next day. We went for a walk with Eleanor and Jude, came home and watched the World Cup semi-final game, as one does before you give birth. Your dad came home from work at noon and we ate lunch then headed out to the hospital. On the drive over we got into a “nothing fight”, our nerves getting to us. It was the anticipation of change that we couldn’t yet picture.  We were a little scared. Unsure of our capacity to handle three little kids.

We checked into a quiet L&D. I joked that it was so strange to be here and NOT crying in intense pain. They settled us into our delivery room, hooked me up to the machines, and started with the routine questions. By 4pm I had met with the midwife and decided our labor plan. They started me on a low dose of pitocin and inserted a balloon catheter into my cervix and uterus to help force dilation, since I was only at 1cm. Then they told us to relax because this could take awhile.

We pulled out the snacks and opened the laptop up. We watched Friends, the episode where Rachel has her baby—of course. Every 30 minutes or so the nurse would come check on us to see if the contractions were starting up. After an hour I started feeling them. They were small and I was hardly able to tell when they started or stopped. They picked up when we were at about level 6 with pitocin. I got up to use the bathroom and when I got back in bed the contractions stopped completely. For two hours, nothing. I was so discouraged, imagining us being in the hospital for days. I was ready to hold you NOW. Patience is not my gifting (being overly dramatic at times is.)

Around this time the nursing staff switched over and we got a whole new team. Our new midwife was Jenny, from New Zealand. Awesome accent. She was no nonsense, and wanted to get this baby out as badly as I did. I used the bathroom again and the balloon catheter fell out, which meant I was 5cm dilated and in active labor! From this point I requested the epidural and they told me it would take about an hour for the anesthesiologist to get to me. This hour was painful labor, and at one point I was worried it would be too late to get the epidural. But he finally arrived and I was told to sit up with my legs over the side of the bed. He read me a list of all the risks involved...like paralysis and also death, so no big deal. Then casually had me sign a form. He told me I had to be completely still while he inserted the needle. I was so terrified of something going wrong. To make matters worse he had trouble getting the needle in. He kept yelling at me like an angry coach, telling me I wasn’t making it easier for him. I’m sweating at this point, trying so hard to follow his instructions and relax my shoulders and push out my lower back and try not to move as he injects a huge needle into me. All while I’m experiencing contractions. Stress. Stress. Stress.  

Finally he got it and almost immediately I felt relief. Within minutes my legs were heavy and numb and I couldn’t feel the contractions hardly at all. It was like magic. Why hadn’t I ever done this before?! It was now 11pm. The midwife told us to get some rest and let the contractions do their work. Jeffrey fell asleep on the couch next to me. I tried so hard to sleep but I couldn’t. I was just too excited. I kept thinking about you. Who you’d be. What you’d bring to our family and this world. What you’d teach me.  In these quiet early morning hours I prayed for you. It was then that I just knew you were my daughter. I felt so strongly that your name was Selah, even though we had been set on naming you Kate since the very beginning of our pregnancy. I felt so calm and peaceful during these hours. At around 3:45am I had them check me again to see if I was progressing. One look and the midwife said…the baby is crowning!  It was time!! Your dad woke up and got by my side, ready to help me push. I was so confused about how to push when I couldn't even lift my legs up on my own. She just told me when I felt pressure to push hard. This was such a surreal moment. I was totally present, not in an ounce of pain, knowing I was about to hold you in my arms. So different from my other labors!! I started doing what I thought was pushing and the midwife said "Great, okay stop I don't want you to push too hard". So I stopped and the next thing I know she said, reach down and grab your baby. I grabbed underneath your tiny armpits and pulled you up. One look at your face and I was in love. We looked down and in that moment it was confirmed--you were our daughter! Tears baby girl. Tears. I brought you to my chest and held you there, marveling at the fact that you were healthy and beautiful and strong. They took you away to weigh you, 6 lb 3 oz. Not at all the preemie everyone was expecting. I just knew it.

I told your dad, nervously, what had happened in that last few hours, and how I felt so strongly that you were Selah. He needed some time and sleep before we officially decided—but I already knew who you were.

Since day 1 babe you have been a dream. You have the sweetest demeanor. We call you Sweet Selah. You sleep like an angel and just love to be snuggled and held close—although being the third baby you spend a lot of time in the mamaroo or the bouncer or your carseat, but you’re content there too. You sleep through all of your brother and sister's music shows. You never cry when they try to force the paci into your mouth or put their toys on top of you, in their effort to "share". You were my easiest labor and my dreamiest recovery. In the first two weeks of your life we took you to the beach, to the movies, to church, to Sacramento, and to the StanCo Fair. You’re so cultured.

It’s been seven weeks of having you here with us. As I write this you sleep soundly next to me, making little grunting noises every now and then. My heart is overwhelmed with the blessing that you are to me. I am so thankful for you Selah. Your name means to pause and reflect, and to praise. Gosh how fitting. You have been healing to me. Physically and mentally, after a season where I felt so off and unsure of myself. Since you’ve been born I feel like myself, more so than I have in a long time. It’s like your birth brought me back. You are a gift baby girl. A gift. I am praying over your life. Over the plans God has for you, and that He would use us to help you grow into that woman. We love you so much Selah girl.